The Best Laid Plans
by Shaun Garin
Summary: When Batman does not report in for a week, Superman goes to visit Wayne Manor. What happens next is events that the Man of Steel wished would never repeat itself.
1. 1 : Good Intentions

The Best Laid Plans...

written by Shaun Garin

DC owns Justice League. This story is based off of the WB version of Justice League. Timeline set in the space between Initiation and The Man Who Has Everything and inspired by a Batman/Superman Adventure episode.

* * *

Chapter 1 : Good Intentions

* * *

Fingers drummed a gentle rhythm of the cold steel of the chair he sat in. Being the Man of Steel, Superman had to be gentle with most things that weren't usually double-welded and diecast with the best of it. 

Across the room, Flash shook his head. "He's late."

"Too late," said Green Lantern as he rubbed a hand over his now bald head. He still couldn't get used to the sensation of air running over where he used to have a thick brush of hair.

"We should contact him," said Wonder Woman after a thought. "If anything, we can at least reach Alfred."

"You know Bruce, he's always doing something," said Superman. With a sigh, he got up and said, "I'm going down. Just to see what's going on."

"Call if you need anything," said J'onn from his position at the monitoring station. Superman nodded and flew down to the transporter.

"One to Gotham," said Superman and the technician tipped his hat. In a shimmer of blue-white light, he had vanished and reappeared on top of a tall tower in the middle of Gotham City.

Flying towards Wayne Manor at a clipped pace, Superman rolled the memories of the last time Bruce had not shown up. Or more specifically, the last time Batman hadn't terrorized the Criminal Element of the dank underworld known as Gotham City.

It had been almost two years now since the Dark Knight had been AWOL. Noticing the crime rate going up, Superman had flown to Gotham to see why things had become so lax. After neatly scaring a few criminals into hiding by lifting a truck and shaking them out of it, he had confronted Batman's newest protoge. Tim Drake.

Tim, like all of Batman's kids responded that he didn't have time to hang around. Then Superman had rephrased his request. "Where's Bruce?"

Tim had explained that Bruce had gone mysteriously AWOL and sent video emails from where he was busy or inexplicably taking a vacation. So unlike the Dark Knight, Superman decided that the Criminal Element of Gotham needed a shake up.

It was soon discovered that Braniac was behind the missing Bruce Wayne and after a short confrontation, they were able to defeat the mad computer and rescued Bruce.

The lack of communication for a week worried Clark at best. Bruce was punctual and whatever sudden disappearance didn't bode well for anything. The new Watchtower was still being worked on and the newest members of the Justice League had to be dispatched almost daily.

Touching down in a grove of trees to avoid detection, Superman quickly changed into his suit and straightened his tie. Kara said he looked hideous like that. Clark had to agree with the suit. Who wore a suit like this without being a complete dork?

Ringing the doorbell, it was soon answered by an elderly stiff looking man. Alfred. Bruce's butler and long time friend and father figure. "Good evening," greeted Alfred. "Master Bruce has been expecting you Mr. Kent."

"Please Alfred, just Clark will do," said Clark, letting the butler allow him inside. "Where's Bruce?"

"Master Bruce is currently in the bedroom, sir," said Alfred as he lead the man up the stairs and towards a pair of double doors. "Brace yourself sir, he is not quite himself today."

The doors were opened and Clark stifled a chuckle. "Bruce? What in the world?"

"Nob fuddy," grumbled Bruce as he lay in bed. Dressed in a housecoat, pajamas of silk while wearing an ice pack over his head and a thermometer stuck between his lips, Bruce Wayne did a credible Bat-glare when he needed it.

"Master Bruce is rather ill, as you can see," said Alfred as he walked over and took his temperature. "Please Master Bruce, you must drink the soup."

"Id hurds to move," grumbled Bruce, sinking deeper into his coverlet. Alfred sighed and walked out, ushering Clark out with him.

"This is the big secret?" asked Clark curiously as Alfred closed the door behind him. "Bruce is laid out with a cold?"

"A rather nasty strain of flu," admitted Alfred. "One that has actually incapacitated the Batman to speak of sorts. Thus, the crime element of Gotham has risen somewhat. Master Dick is covering for Bruce but I'm afraid that cannot last for long as he is due to move to Bludhaven within the following day."

"So sick that he can't even fight crime. That's something for the record books," murmured Clark.

"I'm afraid I'm at my wits end, Clark," said Alfred, using his personal name. "Being that Master Bruce insists on trying to suit up has nearly cost me my sanity and two bowls of my chicken soup. If it weren't for him being in too much pain to move, I would think that he would be out there. Spreading his flu no doubt in a new form of psychological terror."

Clark sighed. "Anything I can do to help?"

"I'm afraid the Criminal Element does not respond as easily to the appearance of Superman more than Batman, sir," said Alfred with a shake of his head. "And to make matters worse, I have heard that the Joker has escaped Arkham once again."

Clark nodded as he sighed. Then, a thought came to him. "Alfred? Bruce still keeps his jump line in the left pocket, right?"

"Yes he does," said Alfred. Then, the meaning hit him. "Oh dear. You aren't going to..?"

Clark grimaced. "Yes I am. Do you mind holding onto my cape for a while? This'll take a bit."

* * *

"About time you showed up," said Commissioner Gordon as he heard the soft footfall behind him. "I've had this signal out for days now."

"Sorry Jim," rumbled Batman as he strode up to the Commissioner. "What's the problem?"

"Joker's escaped, as you probably know. He's holed up in some old candy factory down on the Harbour District," said Gordon as he sized up the Batman. Something was a bit different about him. Had he been working out during his absense? "I would send in men, but you know the Joker better than I do."

Batman nodded as he strode to the side of the building. "Keep everyone out of the area," he said, pulling out a jump line. And with a shot, he was gone.

"I'm sure of it," said Bullock who had stood to the side during the whole exchange. "He's been working out."

* * *

"Something wrong Mr. J?" asked Harley Quinn as she unloaded a new supply of guns and ammo onto the table.

"Something is wrong, Harl. Batman hasn't shown up yet." Joker grumbled. "When you make a spectacular exit from dear old Arkham like I did, you'd have the Bat on us faster than you can shake a stick at us."

"Maybe he's waitin' for us?" asked Harley. "It's been half a week and he hasn't shown up yet."

"Letting us make the first move, eh?" asked Joker with a devilish grin. Then his grin dropped. "I haven't made a move yet though. Not enough good ideas."

"Here's one," rumbled the voice of the Batman behind the pair. "You can stop by dropping the weapons."

"Ah, and the Caped Clod come to play," exclaimed Joker, leaning back into his chair. "You know Batsey, this is mighty direct of you, coming to play when we're all armed!"

The rat-tat-tat of gunfire could be heard as Joker laughed. Two uzi's were in his hands and he fired at Batman who was apparently too shocked to move. Bullet casings went everywhere and with a click, the guns emptied. "Aaaaah, that was... horribly simplistic. I suppose you had to go like that. Though it woulda been funnier if you could learn how to laugh."

"Ha, ha," ground out Batman as he stood up, wiping spent bullets from his cape. Harley gaped and Joker's jaw nearly hit the ground. "Looks like you're out of bullets."

"Oh," said Joker as he stood up almost lazily. "New armor there Batsey? Of course, new armor won't protect you from THIS!"

The Smiley Face Grenade went up and over. And the Batman caught it. With a low detonation, it exploded in his hands. Joker went pale. Even paler than normal. "What kind of monster did you turn yourself into Batman!? Tell me!"

"I'm the kind that goes bump in the night," quipped Batman as Joker and Harley were laid low by two lightning fast pulled punches. As Joker dropped to his knees and slid into unconciousness, he heard the Batman quip his second joke. "That's all folks."

* * *

Nightwing shook his head as he alighted on top of the building roof across the way from the Happy Child Candy Factory. The police were already there dealing with a trussed up Joker and Harley Quinn. "About time you got cured, Bruce," said Nightwing as Batman landed behind him. The older Dick Greyson turned and sighed. "You're slipping."

"I'm not used to the silent approach," said Batman and Nightwing's eyes widened under the opaque mask. The Dark Knight drew back the cowl and Nightwing nearly fell over in disbelief. After living with Bruce for years, very little startled his old partner. The sight of the Man of Steel in Batman's outfit was enough to nearly send Nightwing into shock.

"Huh, what?" Nightwing recomposed himself and Superman allowed himself a small smile before replacing the cowl over his features. "You do make a good Batman, but you don't have all of his techniques down yet."

"I'll let Bruce know that you appreciate the help," said Batman in the same deep level tones of the Dark Knight.

"Any problems with the Joker?" asked Nightwing as Joker was loaded into a van and trussed up tighter than a christmas turkey. Batman chuckled and Nightwing raised an eyebrow. "That funny?"

"Rather," said Batman. "They think that 'Ol' Batsy' has turned himself into a impenetrable grenade-crushing monster.

Nightwing palmed his face. Even though it was the dark mantle of Batman Superman was wearing, Superman was much different in fighting styles than Bruce Wayne. "You should have dodged it," admonished Nightwing, feeling like Babs on one of her tirades. "Bruce would have."

"I'm not Bruce," Batman replied simply. "Besides, if I had let that grenade explode in the middle of the factory, Joker could have escaped and it would have damaged the whole surrounding area. He had more weapons in that room than I could count. I think he was fixing to do something really big before I crashed the party."

"One good thing coming out of this; the crime rate will go down sharply knowing that Batman seems to have been taking lessons from Superman in terms of invulnerability," said Nightwing with a wry smirk.

Batman reached up to his neck and tugged at the dark material. "I have to wonder how Bruce walks around in this much armor and clothing. It took me half an hour to get into the suit."

"Tim told me that you did this once before when Bruce had vanished for that two week vacation," said Nightwing as he pulled out a jump line. "Just to let you know, it takes practice to get out of the suit. I should know, wearing layers myself." The shot rang out and Nightwing sped off into the night.

* * *

With a dull thwack, Bane crashed to the ground in an unconcious heap. Batman dusted off his hands as he turned towards the assembled goons who currently wet themselves. Within moments, it was all over. 

Batman sighed to himself as he tied up the rest of the goons. With Nightwing headed back to Bludhaven with his "replacement" out and about and Tim with the Teen Titans, it had been a long night.

He had checked into the watchtower. Wally and John had long since left for their hometowns and were sleeping. Same with Diana. It was J'onn who answered the call and was more amused than shocked about Bruce's medical condition. Being a powerful psychic, only Bruce was able to get the drop on the Martian Manhunter. It was one of the rare few times that Superman could make the stoic J'onn look surprised. Superman would have given a lot to have seen his expression.

The League had been shaping up nicely with every kink worked out. Teams had been dispatched when needed and with any luck, nothing insanely dangerous would occur. A few brush fires here and there amidst other things.

Just then, his communicator chimed. Bringing a finger up to his ear, he connected with the Watchtower. "Superman here."

Trussing up the last few of the hired help, Batman zipped up to a nearby rooftop out of hearing range.

"Clark," said J'onn. "There's a problem in Metropolis requiring Superman's attention. Can you get there? I've already sent Supergirl out there along with Green Arrow."

Superman cursed inwardly. It would take him thirty minutes to get out of the suit. More even if he tried super speed. He tried super speed and resulted in him getting tangled horribly. "It's going to take me a while," said Superman. Truthfully it would take him less than five minutes to get to Metropolis but the Man of Steel was required, not Batman.

"Is something the matter?" asked J'onn, a note of curiosity in his tone.

"You might put it like that. To heck with it." Looking around, Batman took to the skies.

* * *

Bizzaro. Superman hated Bizzaro. His failed clone was dumb as a brick and twice as ugly but he did manage to do quite a bit of damage. By extention, Supergirl hated going up against something that was her cousin twisted into something almost unrecognizable. But then again, it was something of a relief, fighting something that was obviously not you. 

Kara Kent, also known as Supergirl shielded herself from the relentless blows that Bizzaro rained on her. Bizzaro was too stupid to use the heat vision as he preferred brute force. A particularly massive one slipped through her guard and knocked the Kryptonian girl into a building.

Green Arrow cursed inwardly. This is why he hated being in the league at times. It was the monsters that he said he wouldn't fight that would obviously come back to haunt him. Drawing an explosive arrow, he fired two at Bizzaro's feet.

Bizzaro reeled in his bow-legged march, obviously set back a few steps more out of surprise than anything. Inwardly, Green Arrow cursed his luck at being sent out here. Class B threat my ass, he thought to himself as he fired another arrow.

Kara was out of the rubble by now and had taken the offensive. Arrow had to hand it to the girl. She had spunk. She fought better than Superman did but still had the same failing as most Superpeople.

Green Arrow smirked to himself as he slid down to the street via an arrow and rope. "Supergirl, down!"

Supergirl ducked just as Green Arrow loosed an arrow. The arrowhead smashed against Bizzaro's chest and the air around him froze, encasing him in ice. Green Arrow smirked. "That'll hold him."

"I don't think so," said Kara as the ice began to crack. She flew out of range as Bizzaro exploded out of the ice with a yell. "I think he's mad."

"Hell yes," said Green Arrow. "Where's that backup, J'onn?" asked Arrow, a finger to his ear.

"Superman is en route," said J'onn. "He should be there by now."

"Well tell blue boy that we need him and fast! Dumb and ugly won't show the same courtesy as we're showing it." Arrow had to duck a piece of granite tossed at his head by Bizzaro who had heard it.

"Bizzaro not dumb!" exclaimed Bizzaro hotly, his thought processes slowly changing from "hurt" to "talk". "Bizzaro not ugly!" A large piece of asphalt was wrenched out of the ground and Arrow gulped. It was too big and too small of a space to dodge properly.

As Kara prepared to slam into Bizzaro, a black blur hit first as Bizzaro was tossed into the nearby fountain. Arrow let out a breath sharply. "Cutting it close there, huh Super...man?"

Kara blinked and said, "Batman? What are you doing here? J'onn called Superman."

Batman looked uncomfortable. "I'll explain later," said Batman and he pulled out two Batarangs. Bizzaro was getting back up and it looked to be the start of another long fight. "Here he comes."

"Bizzaro crush puny rodent man!" exclaimed Bizzaro, getting up out of the rubble created by his landing.

"Not on my watch," quipped Kara as she torpedoed into Bizzaro. From the back lines, Arrow fired a couple of explosive arrows to wear down the enemy. Chunks of rubble were flung back and forth, neatly taken out by tossed explosive Batarangs.

Kara grimaced as she blocked another massive punch from Bizzaro. "Let it rest, ugly," she growled, grabbing his arm and swinging him about like a top. Bizzaro yelped and she slammed him into the ground. "Ha, that'll teach you."

Suddenly Bizzaro's hand shot out and grabbed Kara around the head. She was lifted up as Bizzaro's titanic grip held her in the air. "Bizzaro not ugly! Bizzaro crush puny people!"

Kara choked. As a Kryptonian, her skin was strong enough to withstand bullet fire, laser fire and apparently nuclear fire as well. But something that had equal strength to her cousin could easily keep her from breathing which she DID need to do.

"Let her go!" shouted Batman, throwing Batarangs. Bizzaro grinned and the explosive projectiles exploded harmlessly against him.

Arrow grimaced. "Any ideas, Batman?"

"Just one."

It had become a story around the League poker tables about this event. Bizzaro was near to crushing Kara's head like an overripe melon when suddenly Batman pulled back his cowl and fired heat beam vision into Bizzaro's hands. The clone yelped and let go at the sudden heat.

That was when Superman in Batman's clothing went to town on Bizzaro. Soon enough, the fight was over and Arrow was shaking his head.

"So you mean to say that Batman, the REAL Batman is out sick and you're filling in?" Arrow asked incredulously.

"About the size of it," said Superman having replaced the cowl. No need to let the media who were soon to be on the scene know that Superman was filling in for the Dark Knight. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread this around."

Arrow smirked as he let Kara rest on his shoulder. The girl was still out cold from the lack of air. "No problem."

Superman nodded and tapped his ear. "Batman to watchtower, three to beam up."

Arrow raised an eyebrow. "Nice voice change trick."

Batman smirked. "Thanks."

* * *

"Welcome back," said J'onn as he looked at the trio who had reported in. Raising an non-existent eyebrow, J'onn smiled. "I see the stories are true." 

"What stories?" asked Batman curiously.

"The news reports from Gotham. Apparently crime has gone down nearly ten percent. A drop one hasn't seen in years. Not since two years ago when the Batman went missing for two weeks and then reappeared." J'onn smiled. "It must have been momentous."

Batman sighed. Up in the central area, there were no technicians to see anything. Pulling off the cowl, Superman turned to Arrow. "I have a spare room here. Go and put her in there."

Arrow mock saluted and carried the surprisingly light girl away.

"How was your trip?" asked J'onn, a touch of humor in his level voice.

"About the same," said Superman as he tried to struggle out of the costume. "Damnit, did Bruce add more layers the last time I wore this?"

"Having trouble?" asked J'onn. "I know Bruce never did."

"Well Bruce doesn't wear two costumes at once," said Superman. He pulled off the shirt having undone the seal on the top and pointed at the big red S that stood in the middle of his chest. "Things happen and I was trying to get back into costume when you called."

"Hence the lateness," said J'onn in understanding. "I would help, but I can let you puzzle the mechanics of the Batsuit out yourself."

Superman gave J'onn a level glare. As he pulled off the cape and began struggling with the boots, an amused female voice broke into his line of thoughts. "Moonlighting already, Clark?"

Clark groaned. "Diana, this isn't funny. I can't get these boots off."

The Amazoness Princess stood, arms folded and smirking. "Did Bruce give you permission to wander around in his costume?"

"I'll have you know that he's out sick and is in no position to argue," said Clark. He hopped around with the boot.

"Clark, watch out!" exclaimed Diana in alarm.

Taken off guard by Diana's shout, Clark yelped as he tumbled backwards from the Watchtower Central Area. Fortunately it was just a couple dozen feet even with Clark too surprised to kick in his flight.

Landing with a thud, Clark let out a whuff of air as he yanked off the stubborn boot. "Finally," he said. Then he looked up at a smirking Arrow who stood over him.

Arrow held up the other boot that had come off in the short fall. "I think this is yours."


	2. 2 : The Bat and the Cat

The Best Laid Plans

Written by Shaun Garin

Justice League Unlimited is owned, created and developed by DC Comics and is developed for TV by Warner Bros. Animation. I own nothing in this DCAU.

Chapter 2: The Bat and the Cat

* * *

Ma always said there would be days like this. 

Clark Kent was not normally known for his patience when dealing with criminals. Well, Superman was. Not Clark. This boiled down to the unique situation that he was experiencing as the mild mannered alter ego which he had come to adopt as his real personality. Not Kal-El, not Superman, but Clark. There were days when he wondered how the world would have been like if he was "Just Clark" and then he shook the thought off with a grim thought of "Probably a ball of space dust now".

The day had started out so good. A phone call to Wayne Manor to check on the currently incapacitated Bruce Wayne, an amusing chat with Alfred and a promise to forward some cookies when the whole thing was said and done. Well, Alfred said biscuits but the intent was the same.

The morning had begun as usual. Get up, dress in three layers and managing not to look bulky as all hell and have his morning toast and coffee. The Superman suit was worn close to the skin while the Batman uniform had been shed of all extraneous material as possible. The utility belt he wore under his shirt and jacket across the uniform with a thought of "I Will Not Trip Myself Up When Changing Really Fast". And then off to work where Lois would remark something amused and then Perry called him inside. It went all downhill from there.

Perry had noticed Clark's absences to the point of asking about his health. Clark made a half-assed attempt at explaining himself when the phone rang thankfully. Being Superman was easy; Clark Kent had a severe lack of a spine whenever things went straight to hell. It was being Batman in the place of the original that played with his sleeping schedule.

A couple of supervillians had attacked in the week or so of being Batman. What made it worse is that they were from both his gallery and Batman's. It got to the point that Superman was ready to pull his own hair out.

Perry, noticing his obvious fatigue, sent him on a nice easy assignment; interview the curator of the Metropolis Museum on the new rocks that he had received the day before. It was during this interview with the understandably nervous museum curator (the curator had once worked for Lex Luthor and had nearly wet himself when the T-Rex was trashed nearly four years ago), Clark went to work examining the stones.

Pretty, if you liked cats.

The stones were from Ancient Egypt, around the time when Upper and Lower Egypt were at war with each other, before the reformation. Both were sculpted into the cat statues one would find every so often in travel shops but these were made from gold and jade. The gold usually notated some type of goddess but Clark figured he'd have to do some digging to find out the cultural significance of the other.

It was at that moment when one of the most brazen thefts occurred in the history of the museum. There was a spectacular crash as Penguin of all people erupted from the ceiling in an obvious jibe at Batman who was obviously AWOL long enough to prevent his people from running amok. The overweight man grabbed the statues and was off, but not before Clark grabbed a hold of his leg.

Cobblepot tried to shake Clark off, nearly tearing his pants in the process. Then, he got his two new assistants to help him. Clark had to let go. It wasn't every day that someone came up with new tricks and those freakish kabuki sisters were one of them.

Clark fell in plain sight of a dozen people. It was here were Catwoman stepped in.

The woman saved his life or at least his secret identity as Clark obviously could not fly at the moment in time. It was then where she clasped a set of handcuffs to his wrist and hers. At his questioning look, she merely grinned and said, "Insurance. This'll keep the cops off my tail so that they don't hurt the journalist."

Clark couldn't come up with a zingy one-liner so he merely played along.

Ma always said there would be days like this.

* * *

"So why does Penguin want those cats anyhow?" asked Clark as the woman pulled him across the rooftops in her usual manner. 

"Penguin only wants one," called back Catwoman as she leapt down into an alleyway with Clark following close behind. "He wants the jade cat and there's a falcon to add to it."

Clark raised an eyebrow. "Not following," said the reporter and Catwoman smirked. There was a chirp and the wall fizzed a little bit to reveal a two-seater cycle. Catwoman pulled him over, tossed him a helmet and said, "Get on. I'll explain in a bit."

"Nice bike," said Clark. It was unlike Catwoman to employ a cycle but she had obviously thought out the situation quite thoroughly. "New Genesis Cloaking Device?" he asked, an eyebrow rose in a semi-amused thought.

"Mmmmmaybe," she purred as the woman kick started the engine. "Perhaps I'll give you an interview by the day's end."

Clark decided right there and then that there was definitely a side to this woman that met Batman's approval. Silently he hoped that Diana wouldn't find Catwoman a serious rival. Amazon women were scary.

"Penguin wants the falcon statue," called out Catwoman as the pair raced across Metropolis. "With the cat statue and the falcon statue, he can use it as a giant focusing gemstone, producing laser beams that'll ruin city blocks."

"And you want to stop him. Why?" asked Clark. "Why go to all this trouble?"

"Rumor has it that Batman is out of commission and off the streets," replied Catwoman. "Without him, the entire Rogue's gallery is steering clear of Gotham. And when someone does find him, they're immediately in jail. He's not mincing words if he does appear and even when he doesn't, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around him. Rumor is that he took on Bane without breaking a sweat."

"I see," replied Clark. "CAR!"

"I see it," was the short reply as Catwoman popped a wheelie and drove right over the Mercedes Benz. The Benz owner screamed something not fit for print and Catwoman merely gave him an All American reply.

"You're nuts!" exclaimed Clark, his heart pounding. As Superman, he usually didn't bother about cars, unless they were being hurled at his head. But being on a cycle as a "Helpless Passenger" wasn't going to be good for his blood pressure. Involuntarily his arms that were wrapped around Catwoman's waist tightened a bit and she coughed to remind him of the pressure.

"Not so tight lover, we just met," said Catwoman. "That's some grip you have."

"Lifting hay bales all your life will do it to you," said Clark, feeling sheepish. That leather didn't hide ANYTHING. Lois would KILL him.

* * *

"He's WHAT!" 

"According to this he's currently careening down the interstate at nearly eighty miles an hour on the back of a two-seater Harley Davidson with Catwoman at the front." Replied Perry calmly. "Do you want the details?"

Lois blinked several times. "That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen before. How does Smallville quality for being a kidnapee? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's almost an affront to nature!"

"Are you done?" asked Perry and Lois shot him a look. "Look, it doesn't look like Catwoman's issuing any demands besides keeping the cops off her tail or she drops one of our best reporters into the ocean. She said that the Penguin is her business and that's final."

"You'd think Superman would have saved Smallville by now," said Lois.

"He's out in deep space," was the short reply from Perry. "Apparently there's some crisis that needs to be resolved."

"Maybe we should get a hot line for the Watchtower," said Lois, throwing her hands up in disgust. "I'm gonna go out."

"Where?"

Lois smirked. "Where else? To see if Smallville's getting any good notes."

* * *

"Yow!" Exclaimed Clark as he ducked. "Can't you, I dunno, remove the cuffs or something? I'd like to keep unscathed!" 

"You big wuss, you're as bad as Bruce is when he's whining," replied Catwoman as she traded blows with Penguin and his two new Kabuki girls. Her whip cracked several times and the not-at-all-helpless-but-needs-to-be reporter was dragged along by the arm.

"Keep them occupied girls," said Penguin as he spun his umbrella around and pocketed the falcon statue. "We need to make a clean getaway."

Clark ducked several swipes, planted a foot into the stomach of one of them and pushed out lightly. The Kabuki sister flew backwards and skidded across the floor as Catwoman dispatched her own opponent. "Nice moves. You learn that too from lifting bales?"

"Cow tipping," grinned back Clark. "It's all in the push."

"I see. Incoming." Catwoman pushed Clark's head down as the pair ducked simultaneously as Clark caught a foot and spun the Kabuki around to catch a crack of the whip from Catwoman. Two simultaneous clunks and the pair were down as Penguin escaped through the door. Catwoman spat something decidedly foreign before she tugged on Clark's arm. "C'mon, this way!"

The pair barreled out the door only to blunder right into a thrown explosive umbrella, one of which produced smoke. The pair coughed for a moment as Penguin laughed and ran away.

* * *

"Something's bugging me," said Clark as the pair sped down the highway on Catwoman's new motorcycle. "Why would Penguin want to commit a crime like this anyhow? It doesn't make any sense." 

"Despite the two statues becoming a weapon of mass destruction?" shot back Catwoman.

"Actually did you take a good look at Cobblepot?" returned Clark. "He looked different."

"How so? I was too busy trying to kick his behind."

"Cobblepot doesn't use Kabuki Ninja Girls. And the man looked distinctly sharp featured. And let's not forget the multitude of umbrellas he had. And his voice seemed a bit wrong too." _Make that really wrong. That wasn't the Penguin's voice._

"So what are you suggesting?" asked Catwoman.

"I think, this isn't the same Penguin we're dealing with."

Catwoman gave him a look and then smirked. "You're pretty sharp. It's no wonder that you work with Lois Lane."

"I try," said Clark with a grin.

* * *

"Lucy I'm home from da club!" Exclaimed Penguin as he walked into the room at the back of the club. "How's life chubby?" 

The other man looked at his counterpart. They were both dressed in a tuxedo and a top hat but that was where the resemblance ended.

The first Penguin was dressed impeccably with a monocle perched on his eyes, dark hair slicked back and his long nose prompted a more regal air to his stance. He was surrounded by several thugs and a scientist, one Edward Nygma who had donned the guise of the Riddler but he as well was dressed in his green suit and bowler.

The second was a sharp toothed man, his features not lending a regal air but rather a bird of prey, savage and vicious as he twirled his umbrella around in his hand and he held up the statue. "I got the statue, like we planned. So Cobblepot, what now?"

Cobblepot, the first Penguin walked over and looked over the falcon statue with a critical air. "Very good craftsmanship and you did say it had an added bonus. Where did you find about this peculiar device?"

"Hmph, in my world, the Cobblepots have been living in Asia, specifically China. We had access to a lot of lore from the times," said the other Penguin with a self-satisfied sneer. "Although I ran into a problem."

"Batman?" asked Cobblepot and Penguin shook his head.

"No.Your world's version of Catwoman. I must say that I like the black leather but not the claws." Penguin chuckled lecherously and Cobblepot sniffed.

"Indeed."

"Ahem, gentlemen," called out The Riddler. "May I remind you both that I will require a bit of synothium in order for powering this machine? I believe this requires a withdrawl."

"Ah, yes," said Cobblepot. "There is some in the safe Mr. Nygma. Please take it. We cannot have this valuable machine losing it's wormhole to the other world."

* * *

"Penguin's inside," said Clark. "Are you dragging me inside as well?" 

"Do you know how to work this?" asked Catwoman, handing him her whip. Clark blinked a few times before he took it and nodded. "Good. Watch our back and make sure you know how to use it."

Silently thanking Diana for the few lessons in using a whip and a rope in an offensive manner, the pair clambered up the side of the building where Catwoman took out the first guard and Clark smacked the gun out of the hand of the second where Catwoman took him out. Giving her semi-reluctant partner a grin, the pair headed inside.

Creeping across the scaffolding, Catwoman and Clark peered over the railing and Catwoman blinked several times. Clark let out a low mutter that would have been Argonian in nature if it weren't for the pronunciation. "Two Penguins?" asked Clark quietly.

"Looks like it," said Catwoman. "Shhhh…"

Down below, the group was working on the machine as a group of henchmen pushed the synothium into the machine. "Aaah, excellent," said The Riddler. "Just a little more and I can reconnect to the other world. This is most exciting, a puzzle and an answer to if there are other worlds out there."

"Hmmm, yes, the possibilities are immense," said Cobblepot. Then noticing Penguin's expression, he added, "Something wrong Penguin?"

"We're not alone," said Penguin and the statement sent chills up Clark's spine. It was proven a moment afterwards as he was tackled to the side by Catwoman who shouted, "DOWN!"

A Kabuki Ninja blade swooped over his head and he planted both feet into the Kabuki Girl's chest and pushed. The ninja flew backwards only to be caught by a goon who grinned and cracked his knuckles.

"We're in trouble," said Clark, uncoiling the whip.

"Get me a flashlight!" shouted Penguin as he grabbed the statues. High above, the pair grappled with the goons in their own fashion. Riddler winced as one of the goons fell down close to his machine but thankfully did not hit the ground.

"You holding up there, Kent?" snapped Catwoman as Clark seemingly strained against a big guy in a wrestling hold.

"I'm fine," grunted Clark as he threw the man to the ground, hard enough to jar him. "You?"

"Just fine." Ground out Catwoman.

Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of energy and Clark yelped as he grabbed onto the slagged railing. "What?"

Down below, Penguin smirked as he aimed the statue at him. "Tweet Tweet Reporter Man." He chuckled before loosing the spotlight.

Clark swallowed. "Aw crap," he winced. Then he yelled in pain as the light engulfed him with a blistering heat. There was a crash which he distinctly realized as him falling to the floor into a pile of boxes.

* * *

"CLARK!" Shouted Catwoman. She was then forced to duck out of the way of a blow to the head. Rolling away from the goons, one of them grabbed her in a full bear hug and she hissed angrily, trying to get the leverage in order to free herself. 

"Looks like your friend is out of commission," sneered Penguin. "See Cobblepot? It's got more punch than I remember!"

"Indeed," added Cobblepot. "Let us take this moment to vaporize one of our rivals. Shall we?"

"After you," said Penguin, handing him the control for the floodlight.

"I'd rather kick your…" Catwoman's reply was short lived as suddenly, the boxes exploded up and outwards, debris falling everywhere. Everyone turned and two glowing eyes stared out. Catwoman blinked several times and both Penguins and The Riddler gaped.

"That hurt," said Batman as he strode out of the debris, yanking ruined bits of Clark's suit off his body.

"This is new," said Catwoman before chaos reigned on the floor.

* * *

"Here's your suit, or what's left of it," said Catwoman, handing Batman his suit. She chuckled. "So… does Bruce know that you're wearing his tights?" 

"How did you…?" asked Clark but then he chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay. A secret for a secret then," said Catwoman. "You make a pretty good Batman, Superman, although I promise to keep your secret."

"You sure?" asked Batman. "It's not every day when someone finds out who I am."

"I'm sure things'll work out," said Catwoman. "Oh, by the way, I think Lois Lane knows exactly what's going on. And speaking of which; here."

Pressing a wad of dollar bills into his hand, Catwoman grinned. Clark blinked and said, "This is?"

"Take it. I'm not hurting for it. Think of it as payment for a new suit. That last one looked hideous anyhow." Catwoman chuckled. "You need a ride to the nearest suit makers? With shoulders like that I'd think you'd have problems finding someone to make you suits."

"In a minute. I just want to see what the others are saying." Keying in his super hearing, Batman chuckled.

"I'm telling you, Clark Kent is Batman!" shouted Penguin. "Why won't anyone believe us?"

"Because they believe we're certifiably insane," said The Riddler.

"Shut up Penguin," grumbled Cobblepot as they were toted away. Down below, Lois rolled her eyes.

"Smallville? Batman? That's something for the tabloids, not the Daily Planet." With that, she turned back to Jimmy and called out, "Lets get moving Jimmy! Smallville'll be returned to us later on. I think."

Batman smirked to himself as he stared at the bills. Then, he noticed a piece of paper in the mix and he unfolded it.

_Thanks for the Fun. Call me sometime, Smallville. Selena Kyle, 555-2241_

* * *

"How's damage control?" asked J'onn as Superman appeared on the Watchtower. 

"About per usual," said Superman with a wry grin. "Lois thinks I was kidnapped, treated to a nice dinner and a fight and then dropped off at my house after Batman showed up and kicked their collective backsides. On the less public side, I forced Nygma to give me the plans for his machine. We'll be sending the Penguin from another world back in a few days."

"Indeed. And the rumor that Clark Kent is Batman?"

"Who's going to believe a raving lunatic?" said Superman. He felt the laughter welling up and he let it out, startling everyone in range and earning a smile from J'onn.

Ma told him there would be days like this.

She never said how much fun they could be.

Now, to figure out how to tell Lois that he's got a date with a lovely Miss Selena Kyle.


End file.
